It was 3 years ago when I arrived in Barcelona with the aim of changing my life for a healthier and happier one. During this process, I had to learn that self-love is not self-confidence or egoism, but a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.
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| Photo by Allie Smith on Unsplash |
During my life-coaching process as a client back then, I realized that I was copying a lifestyle of giving up on my needs from my mother. I was always reachable on my phone, via e-mail and available for a coffee or dinner any time for my beloved ones. The same was happening in my professional life: I was working on the weekends, taking 2–3 shifts a day. But when it came to my own happiness, spending time with what I love, for example reading a book or rollerblading on the beach — it did feel like I was not useful, I was wasting time, felt a lot of guilt, I believed I was selfish. I could not enjoy anything that was not related to someone else’s happiness. I did not know that putting others first was a problem. I have never seen the example of self-love. What I saw instead was: unhealthy and unkind relationships, sacrifice, regrets, tiredness, stress and blame. A lot of them.
Self-love definitely changed my life. That’s why I would like to share my experiences with you.
1. Learn to spend time alone, do what you enjoy
Spending time alone is not scary nor sad, it’s healthy.
I started to learn how to take me-time, first only spending half an hour away from my phone, rollerblading by the beach. I learned how to be mindful and stay in the present, enjoying the little things in life. Finally, I really felt the wind caressing my skin and the warm sun kissing my face, my eyes took the pleasure in seeing all the wonderful colors of the sea like never before. I am also cooking my favorite dish or taking myself out for a coffee and buying flowers for my table. Of course, I still enjoy cooking for others or being with friends, but I value myself more and I am not feeling like wasting my time on me anymore.
I have also been challenged to go for a short trip alone, which shifted my mind completely. Just imagining it was so scary that I kept on postponing it for years. This experience made it possible that nowadays I can enjoy my business trips and traveling the world.
2. Recharge instead of losing yourself
“Who are you when you are tired and tense?”
I used to work like crazy in my event management job and believed that working less than 60 hours a week is lazy or not ambitious. Then I discovered that I could not enjoy my events, I could not be there as a human being for my participants. I was a robot, tired, exhausted, tense and faking kindness. I got fed up, so I tried something new. I am now working 40 hours per week and taking time to recharge every single day. A hot bath, a massage, half an hour reading, meditation, calling my friend, going for a walk, preparing fruit juices for myself. I am also taking days off after each conference week and learned to say “no” to my business partner and friends when I do not have the energy to travel more. Inner peace is worth so much more than money! I enjoy being a kind person who can stay focused and loving during any “stressful” event of the year.
3. Make friends with your inner voice
Do not believe all that b*lls**t.
I learned to accept myself and my mistakes and I taught it to my inner voice too. So when I am making something wrong I am not beating myself up for it, but say that I am learning or practicing. I remind myself to talk like I was my best friend, so no matter what happens, I keep on being loving. I also stopped using labels for myself which are derogating, like “ah, you stupid, you!”, cause all those negative things you say to yourself can become your strongly held beliefs. It really makes a difference in how supportive your inner voice is. Make friends with her/him.
4. Find the job you love
It is out there.
After I learned about my core values which are love, freedom, connection and growth I was only focusing on jobs that are fulfilling these qualities. Spreading the world with my availability I ended up being a digital nomad (working remotely while traveling the world) and my own boss. As a coach, I am learning every day either through audiobooks, training or presentations. My purpose of supporting people to awaken who they truly are is key to life coaching and also helps to create space for innovators in my event manager role.
5. Make your healthy lifestyle fun
Find the perfect workout/ sport /meditation.
We are all different, but there is something for each of us.
I am feeding my body with healthier food, taking less and less animal products and more fruits and veggies. I am meditating every morning, practicing yoga 2–3 times a week and walk or bike almost everywhere. I am paying attention to have 8 hours of sleep, starting before midnight. I am finally taking time to nurture my body with coconut oil, body scrubs and occasional massages. I am booking a life coaching session whenever I feel stuck or want to grow faster. I am feeding my soul with kind relationships. I have never been that energetic and healthy inside-out.
6. Set your boundaries
Saying “no” is not mean, it will protect your relationships. Start with easy situations and practice, practice, practice.
I have seen so many examples of people giving up on their private lives just because of “love” or a job opportunity and becoming unkind persons. I have experienced toxic relations just because of the lack of self-respect. Protecting our private space is not disrespectful, moreover, I can promise, you will end up being a worse person if you are letting others take over your life. Forcing is killing intimacy, even if from outside you look like someone kind and loving, in the long term it is damaging.
Since I am setting my limits, my relationships are more relaxed and I am attracting the positive people into my life. Spending less time with negative people, who do not wanna change, just love complaining, is also a great thing. You can not help them and they are taking all your energy.
7. Train your “empathy” muscle
We are here to do our best, we are here to love.
Remember: you can only love a person as much as you love yourself.
Last year I learned to forgive and let some family members back actively into my life, can kindly relate to their situations and do not feel any anger anymore. I am so grateful for this change, as I was missing them so much and it took me subconsciously a lot of energy. I am more empathetic and believe that people just doing the best they can. This makes my life much easier and my heart lighter: ready to love.
With all these changes in my lifestyle, mindset and soul everything shifted. Today I understand what the difference between self-love and selfish is. Self-love is when you are caring about your own well-being, so you can be there for others as well in your best state, patiently, filled with love and energy. Selfish is, when you sacrifice yourself and put everyone before you and subconsciously ruin your relationships, because of your negative feelings, your tired and tense state of mind.
What do you think?
About the Author
Bernadett Naggy is an Ambassador of BusinessGreenHouse.org - one of the initiatives of Think Tank AlterContacst.
"I am a rebellious idealist: I have been living in 6 countries in the last 10 years, re-building my life and re-inventing myself several times. Today I still believe that one can have it all and created a life which confirms that every day. As a life coach, I am supporting my clients on-line to finally create a life they truly love."